Offensive Grammar

As I started out on my walk today I didn’t have any expectations. It’s Friday, my daughter is on the way home, and I accomplished enough this week. I couldn’t help myself. I started thinking, of all things, about swearing. It sure has changed over the years. Some expressions only trend for a short period of time. I remember in high school out west the boys used to say “bitchin” It was an expression that something was cool. You would say to your friend, “Bitchin bike” or answer “bitchin” when asked how your vacation was. Years later, the word morphed from an adjective to a verb: “Quit your bitchin.”

Remember George Carlin’s 7 words you can’t say on television? Did you know that he was actually arrested in 1972 in relation to saying the words? Hard to believe that with all we see on our screens today. Many of us are desensitized. I clean up the vocabulary when I am around old people, but the expletives do tend to fly freely when chatting with friends. I do, however, have rules that I always adhere to. I would NEVER say Carlin’s word #4: the “C. U. N.ext T.uesday” one. It’s just not lady like. #5 and #6 are phrases that would never even accidentally slip out of my mouth. When you consider their literal meanings they paint a really disgusting image in your head.  I’m with Carlin, though. In 1972 and especially today, some of the words just shouldn’t even be on the list.

Every parent remembers the first time their toddler dropped something and blurted out “sit.” We weren’t a spanking family, but I can imagine some parents felt it necessary to treat the behavior with a spank on the butt. Problem with that was, I’m guessing daddy was laughing at the same time. What a mixed message! When kids got older there was the “washing the mouth out with soap.” That was a dumb punishment. How many kids really got the figurative message of cleaning out the potty mouth? I’m guessing most of the kids just thought their dad was a dick. I recall when one of my brothers crossed the approved expletive line his punishment was to write down several healthier alternatives. My son’s consequence for swearing was me saying, “watch your language.” That’s it. I don’t really care that much. Like me, he is respectful when he has to be.

My daughter’s friend worked at a day care center last summer. A cute toddler girl yanked a toy out of another cute toddler girl’s hands. Toddler #2 yelled dramatically, “You Mother F***er.”  I would have had to leave work that day for two reasons:

 A: I probably would have been fired for laughing out loud.

B: I would have peed my pants.

 But let’s dig deeper into the sad situation. How many times does a kid need to hear a word to repeat it? I’m sure it can be Googled. I’m guessing quite a few. Toddlers don’t get their language skills from a free ap on their phone. I’m thinking toddler #2’s parents had to be a real class act.

I did a little research and found that there really isn’t an actual list of no nos for television.   The Federal Communication Commission defines profane speech as “so offensive that it amounts to a nuisance.” The Parent’s Television Council has a suggested list of words that should not be used. Crap, hell, boobs and balls are part of the list. Hey, parents, how about you shut your TV off?! After playing at a classmates house years ago, I picked my son up and he said,” You know, he had a TV in his room and he watches R rated movies. “Then he added, “It’s amazing what some parents let their kids watch.” Pretty insightful for an 8 year old.

My friend has a nephew named Tucker. How convenient that his name rhymes with f***er because growing up he completely deserved the nick name Tucker the F***er. That even sounds cute. As long as he didn’t go to school and tell his teacher that was his whole name like my brother-in-law, Donnie Damnit, did. True story, I did not make that up.  I think it’s all in how we use our expletives that makes them offensive or not. What offends me more is the violence on TV. Sex is censored but violence doesn’t seem to have any boundaries. Like John Lennon said, “People are shooting each other in broad day light but we have to go hide in the dark to have sex.” It’s messed up what we consider offensive.

What offends me even MORE is poor grammar. Most people seem to be able to turn off and on the swearing switch depending on the situation. Poor grammar just puts people in a separate group. Years ago I got a handmade party invitation that said, “Your Invited.” The person had a college degree. Some of you may be thinking that you don’t see the problem. If that is you, stick to texting and type UR. Pronounce it “yer.” It covers both.  I’m sure I make plenty of errors here and there. I try to write in a style similar to conversation. I know I have some run ons and fragments. But just knowing the difference between two, to and too, your and you’re, and there, they’re and their will lift you back up into the category of appearing literate.

I have a hard time with song lyrics. Sometimes it just sounds better, and I understand that. I think musicians just didn’t pay attention in English class. Maybe they were smoking too much dope in an effort to get their creative juices flowing. Whatever the case may have been, I would have been less offended if Mick Jagger’s song lyric was “I can’t get ANY  f***ing satisfaction.