White Brenda

My name is Brenda Lee. If I had a buck for every time a person asked if my parents liked Brenda Lee I’d be rich. Usually when I meet a person named Brenda it is a woman about my age. She is usually black. An employee at my local post office wears a name tag that reads “Brenda.” Once when I was there I said , “Oh, my name is Brenda Lee.” She did not offer up her middle name, nor did she look like she would be amused by my observation that I am the only white Brenda in Metro Detroit. I chose to not share.

Last Christmas my family went to California. We took a treacherous boat ride on Christmas Day to Catalina Island. I thought about the crazy sleigh ride in the Grinch movie when Jim Carey’s character yelled , “I’m gonna die…I’m gonna puke first, then I’m gonna die!” I was too busy hanging onto the railing and avoiding most of the salt water splashes and thankfully all of the puke spray, to notice any of the other people on the boat. Merry Christmas.

While in town shopping for gifts probably made in China that would prove we had been to Catalina Island, a man approached me. He was a big, black sexy man with a tall beautiful wife who looked like she was from one of the Pacific Islands. They were from Atlanta and very friendly, and did I mention sexy? They probably get greased up and model for perfume ads for a living. The man asked me, “ Did I hear your husband call you Brenda?” and added, “ My mom’s name was Brenda.” I shared my research findings and told him now I can say I am the only white Brenda in the country! He laughed and said, “You are an honorary sister.”

All this got me to thinking about names. It is a big responsibility to choose an appropriate name. My daughter is named after my Grandma Anna and my Auntie Evelyn. In 1993 the name Hannah was popular. I was told on many occasions that “Anna” was so old fashioned. I thought Evelyn was a bit old fashioned but she would mostly be using the middle initial. I’ll be damned if I don’t know right now three little grade school aged girls named Evelyn. It’s made a comeback. Thanks to Seinfeld, I doubt Delores will ever make a comeback. Remember, it rhymes with a female body part.

My son’s name is Mick. While in California last year we went to the San Diego Zoo. A little sarcastic boy overheard me call to my son. He said to Mickey, “That’s not your name.” When Mick reassured him that it was in fact his name the boy said, “Ya? Then I’m the Lion King.” I did not make that up. My son’s legal name is Michael Brendan. When I met my husband he worked for an English company. The nickname for Michael in England is Mick. Duh, Mick Jaggar? I liked it. I knew if I had a son he would be Michael and we would call him Mick.

Now I’m about to get really sarcastic. We all have our opinions and preferences, but I can’t help myself. Here’s a little advice in choosing a name for your bundle of joy. Learn some basic spelling rules and spell your kid’s name correctly. If you want the vowel pronounced with the short sound, double the consonant after it. Don’t wait for your kid’s kindergarten teacher to mispronounce his name. By then it is too late! If you want to make a little change just to be different, at least spell it so a normal person can sound it out. Michaela is a recently popular name again. It is the feminine of Michael. I know a little girl who spells her name “Mikayla.” Yay for her mom! There’s no confusion.

In Tina Fey’s book Bossy Pants I remember her writing about rich people in New York naming their babies after Kings and pieces of fruit. If you haven’t read that book you should. I think it is the only book I have ever read that I had to put down every few pages because I laughed so hard I cried. Anyhoo, I wanted to touch on the rich and famous. Did you read that Germaine Jackson recently named his new baby Germagesty? I thought Blanket was stupid, but then again, I figured surrogate mom used up all her vetoes on Michael’s first two. I guess rich people can get away with it. My suggestion: If you are not rich, stick to something at least socially acceptable. If you don’t, you will end up in the category of white trash.

Here comes the really good stuff. I have several nurse friends. The cross section in the emergency room is similar to that of the Secretary of State (DMV if you are out west), however, at the Secretary of State they just call your number. In the emergency room they call your name. I couldn’t make this up if I tried. Trending now in Metro Detroit are some names you will not believe. If you love the way a name sounds, do everyone a favor and also for your own kids’ sake, spell it phonetically. Ah’ Show-Lei looks really pretty and sounds sophisticated. Shah-Theed is also catchy. Hopefully these kids aspire to be rappers or professional athletes. They might be able to get away with it. If they are planning on becoming a pediatrician or lawyer they will be shit-out-of-luck. No one, and I mean NO ONE will make an appointment with a Dr. Shi’thead or Mr. Assh’ole.  The tiny little apostrophe does nothing to protect you from the fact that your mother named you Shithead or Asshole.

I couldn’t help but be jealous that in the 70’s girls with names like Crystal or Heather were instantly cool. That, or if your mom let you wear long dangly beaded pierced earrings. I was only allowed studs.  I guess all things considered, I was way too hard on my parents for naming me Brenda Lee.