Pretty Pink Killer

COVID-19 sounds like some secret military operation. It’s secret, alright. Kind of like chicken pox, only deadly. By the time you know you have it, it is too late for the rest. If you look at the corona virus under a microscope, it’s actually quite beautiful. The white sphere looks like a floofy plush dog toy. The tiny, bright fuchsia mushroom clouds protrude like miniature atom bombs, already exploded. Their spacing is perfectly symmetric. Nature sure can be one cruel mother fucker with a sick sense of humor.

It’s almost impossible to fathom how minuscule it really is or how many trillions of them are floating around our globe right now, settling on our counter tops, under our fingernails, on our Amazon packages, or God forbid in MY nasal passage.

It’s coming closer to me, suffocating me. Not literally suffocating me or anyone I know…yet. Corona virus is suffocating my security and confidence. I am afraid. I’m afraid that everything I touch and choose to do may affect someone else. It might be a stranger. It might be one of my loved ones. How many moms or dads or brothers or sisters in the coming weeks may say, “I didn’t know.”

Is it you? Are you the one who is now regretting your complacency? Are you thinking that had you known you would have stayed home, washed your hands more, not buzzed to Target for an activity to calm your restless mind as well as your child’s restless hands, just because you could? Are you the one who felt fine and decided to go to a store deemed essential? Did you go to a restaurant that requires minimum wage employees to put themselves in harm’s way so that you can buy a cheap, factory farmed chicken sandwich from the dollar menu with no nutritional value? Did you buy a gallon of paint to update your bathroom now that you have the time?

Are you the one who unknowingly spread around the pretty pink and white killer like a chain letter, or made it grow like a pyramid marketing scheme? Are you the one who will be responsible for killing your own mother?

COVID-19 Advice from a Cat

Meow. My name is Grace. I was adopted by the Sinclair family 5 ½ years ago. I had pneumonia and my eyes were swollen shut. I was put in quarantine for what seemed like forever as to not infect the other four leggeds in the house. I had food, water and a litter box- everything I needed. My only option was to just settle in and ride it out. Statistically, an indoor cat lives three times longer than a cat who wanders outside anyway.

Tip #1: It’s safer indoors.

I hope when your two leggeds go back to normal it is a NEW normal. Keep the hugging and kissing to immediate family. Hand shaking is superfluous. When greeting someone do what I do: merely nod and slowly close your eyes. That is acknowledgement enough.

Tip #2: Keep social distance.

If someone gets in your personal space, take a swipe at them and dig your nails into their flesh. Wait, that might put you at risk. Keep your distance, hiss, and let your countenance say “back the f*** up.”

Tip #3: Stay active and eat only when you’re hungry.

Sometimes I just jump up and run into another room for no reason. Try to move around. Binge watching Netflix and posting snarky political comments on facebook is not healthy. My human bought a bag of cat food that will surely last a month. Do you see me digging in it just ‘cause I’m bored? If you stocked up on nonperishables like pasta, peanut M&Ms and canned pinto beans like my humans, you can bet you will have a spot on the new off shoot show by the producers of The Biggest Loser. I heard it’s called The Biggest Gainer: COVID-19 edition.

In summary, heed my little tips for getting through this pandemic. I’ve been looking out the window for over 5 years now. The view can be stellar. You can do this. Stay the f*** home. Granted, my human rations my food so it’s easier for me, but don’t be a glutton just because you can. When this thing blows over I hope you learned a thing or two. It’s ok to not be busy. Naps are splendid. Cuddle more with your family. Commit to spending more time with your four leggeds. You see how happy we are when you come home. You are our world. We need you in THIS world.

Stay the F*** Home

Amid this COVID-19 pandemic for some reason I have been thinking about pregnancy lately. I have never been good at delaying gratification, and it didn’t dawn on me until after my two kids were born that we women were all lied to. Do the math. 40 weeks pregnant is TEN months, not nine. Had I known that, I might now be childless. The last month was complete torture.

It’s been 2 days, 12 hours and 17 minutes since Gretchen filed an executive order in the state of Michigan to shelter-in-place. For a period of three weeks nonessential businesses were ordered to close. Parks, gyms and community centers are closed. Residents were told to stay home. I can’t help but wonder if we are being lied to. I hope to God it is only three weeks. I wish our Governor had said two. At the end of two had she said, “Hey, sorry, we are gonna need to do this for one more week.” I would have been more enthusiastic when I told my family, “We can do this!”

I am confident in our state’s ability to follow the rules and slow this thing down. I’m certainly following the rules. I am taking the rules literally while also using my own common sense AND moral compass. When my husband suggested ordering carry out meals to support the mom and pop restaurants I immediately visualized the cook sneezing on my food. He has to go to work if he wants a paycheck. His place of work is considered an essential service.

In my boredom I considered resorting to retail therapy online. Trucking is certainly an essential service. Fed Ex, UPS and Amazon Prime have been up and down my street like bats out of hell. My conscience asked me that although this is available to me now, would I be contributing to compromising the worker at the Chewey.com warehouse as well as the truck driver because I want to cheer up my cats with yet another 6 foot cat tower?

I understand the orders allow essential businesses to remain open like drive through banking, pharmacies, grocery stores and hardware stores. Thankfully liquor stores made the cut. We have a little leeway to cheat if we choose. Good news! Traffic is light. Parking is a snap. The big box stores also carry nonessentials. I saw a post on one nosy neighbor group I belong to asking, “Has anyone been to Costco this morning? I’m not out of anything, but I’m certainly not gonna go if it is a zoo” WTF? Here’s a thought: if you are going to go out for a nonessential because you don’t think this COVID-19 is a big deal or that you are going stir crazy in your house, don’t post it on social media! Another post noted that the line to get into Costco before the store opened was wrapped around the building and there was no social distance between the customers who were all waiting to get in for the special senior citizen only hour! Posted by a senior who actually stayed in line and shopped when the store opened.

I guess if your only toilet blew up you would need to take a trip to Home Depot, however, you know damn well there are people out there who just wanted to take their dog on an outing and maybe pick up some supplies to do a home improvement since we are ordered to stay home anyway.

My friend said she is looking into an online law school to become a divorce attorney. Mark my words, the demand will be high in the near future. We are hangin’ in there at my house.  I’m cleaning and organizing. I’m a little peeved that I can’t get my donations out of my house right f***ing now. This is truly a mind game for all of us. Normally we complain about how busy our life is. We don’t have time to keep the house cleaned and maintained. Welp, a lack of time apparently wasn’t the reason.

As for me, I think one of the main reasons I haven’t lost my shit yet is that for some time now I’ve kept a gratitude journal. I’m sure religious people will think this is obvious and I’m a simpleton, but religious or not, now is a good time to focus on gratitude. Many mornings my gratitude list is elementary. I truly am grateful for the little things like running water, a warm house, a pretty pottery mug full of hot coffee or a kitty on my lap. If you are struggling with our order to shelter-in-place, I urge you to start a gratitude journal. This week I am grateful for some really big things. I am grateful that I currently do not know anyone who has been tested positive. In the coming weeks that may not be so. I am grateful that my family is able to work from home and keep their jobs. I am grateful that I had extra money to help stock an empty shelf at a local food bank. 

I am hopeful that when this is all said and done, each and every one of us will reevaluate how we live our life, spend our money and treat our fellow two leggeds. Remember to be mindful of our four leggeds also. They are having adjustment issues as well. Next blog, I will be writing through the eyes of one of my four leggeds. Stay well everyone, and stay the f*** home!